Being poor sucks.

Listening To: Where's Your Money by Busta Rhymes & Ol' Dirty Bastard

So remember in my first post how I mentioned I was one unforeseen emergency away from financial disaster?

Yeah. That happened yesterday.

Let me explain: For the better part of my twenties, I have gone without any type of health insurance. I either worked at places that didn't happen to offer it or I was doing my own private practice and couldn't afford it. Everyone talks about how important health insurance is but when you're barely making ends meet, you don't get too pumped about the thought of sending an insurance company money every month that you might never see again (let us not discuss insurance companies and how they screw people over. It makes thee upset) and that could be better used on other things like rent or the utility bill.

So I had this tooth. And I had this accident. The tooth got broken in this accident. My mom, being the mom she is, insisted that I get it taken care of before I trotted off to England. So a cement cap was done, I went to England, everything was fine until this year. This year that cap started to decay. What I should have done was go to the dentist immediately to get it fixed, especially now that I do actually have dental insurance. I put it off, though, because I knew that my dental account wasn't overflowing with fundage as of yet. Note this...I thought I was being responsible by waiting to have it fixed until I had more money in my dental account.

For the past couple of weeks the pain has admittedly been so bad that it even kept me up at night, but I would just apply some Oragel and tell myself to tough it out. Yesterday, however, I woke up and could barely function because the pain was so severe. Long story short because this story is boring, I had to get a root canal and a crown yesterday. Guess how much my CO-PAY was?!

Six hundred and thirty fucking dollars.

Holy shit, right?! In shock, I wrote out the check, and it was only when I was halfway home that it really sunk in. First was the panic of how the fuck I'm going to cover that. I have to stretch every paycheck just to cover my financial obligations, so I'm not exactly prepared for a bill of that proportion. Then, I started to feel sorry for myself...did I kill and eat a bunch of babies in a past life?! How the hell am I ever going to get out of the hole, much less ahead, when this kind of shit keeps happening?!

The thing that gets me the most about something like this is that the reason why I'm so strapped for cash all the time is because I pay my bills. When taking care of my bills wasn't that important to me, I had more cash and weirdly, it seems like things were easier back then. Obviously, that got me into some trouble and now I'm - literally - paying for it. However, it is just so frustrating when you're being responsible and stretching things to the limit so you can pay your student loans and other assorted debts, and then you get hit with something like this.

I detest pity parties, though, so I quickly worked my way through it and then started to brainstorm up a game plan. I have one now, and it includes calling my insurance company and asking them why the hell I have to pay SIX HUNDRED AND THIRTY DOLLARS for a fairly common procedure when I give them money every month to pay for just that type of thing. It also includes making a note to myself that signing up for and contributing to a Flex Spending account was one of the best decisions I've made, because it's definitely about to be used. After those two things happen I'll have a better idea of what my next step will be.

After that whole debacle, I met up with some friends at the Green Mill because root canal or no root canal, it was still Friday night and this girl needed a drink. So I had some. I didn't keep track, however (possibly because I was too busy thinking about the tough day I had), and my bill came to 13.50, tip included. Then I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes. Which not only was stupid because I was already over my budget, but also because when you just had major dental work done, it might not be the smartest thing to go out and smoke.

Disclaimer: I am fully aware of this and also the dangers of smoking that are unrelated to dental health (fun fact: My mom is the director of the American Cancer Society) so please, no lectures. I totally could have omitted this fact and even entertained doing so, but this blog is about honesty and copping to the screw-ups, so let's just take a moment to process the moronic act and then move on, mmmkay? Thanks, guys. You're the best.

So yeah. Not such a great day for being all pumped up on being the poor girl.

Final Countdown for Day 5 of Livin' the Dream: $13.50 @ the Mill + $4.19 for cigarettes = $17.69. Grand Total: -7.69.

Money is like that one girl everybody knows...it keeps talking, but it ain't saying nothin'.

Listening To: C.R.E.A.M. by Wu-Tang Clan

Yesterday was Thursday. Thursdays are kind of a big deal for me...it's the night of Bitches & Brews. Bitches & Brews is the one night of the week when a group of girls and I get together, no matter what. I consider it sacrosanct - people have been warned that if they schedule something during happy hour on Thursdays, I will not be attending - and I look forward to it all week.

This week, however, it also posed a test...can I stick to my budget during my biggest downfall time, which is drinking and hanging out with friends? I can talk the biggest game going into it - I'm only going to have a few beers, or maybe I'll switch to Diet Coke after one or two, etc. - but after I get a couple of beers in me and I'm having a great time, I'm not really thinking about how I want to be a financially responsible person. I'm thinking about how much fun this is and how much I want to keep it going.

Last night, however, was easy. I had a couple of PBRs, and then I had to jet off to a date (which I never would have scheduled on a B&B night, but it was either that or I had to wait another week for the date...and I knew that if I waited that long I would bail out, but that's a conversation for another blog). Total came to six bucks, including tip. I didn't spend anything on my date, because he wouldn't let me (and yes, I did offer).

So I rule.

Final Countdown for Day 4 of Livin' the Dream: $10.91 - 6.00 - $4.91 on gas = $0

Bologna sammiches need love too.

Listening To: It's All About the Benjamins by Puff Daddy & The Family

Noting my bologna sandwich of today vs. my Ebert & Gerberts of other days, a coworker raises her eyebrows and asks me what's up. So I tell her. Commence round-table discussion about what having a budget in college used to be like, how sometimes having more money just means you spend more, and interest in if a person can actually manage to provide for their basic needs on ten pieces of dough.

At one point, one of the girls looks over at me and goes, "I think I would get so fat eating like that." I stopped mid-bite into my meager little sandwich and stared at her. "I mean," she continued, oblivious to my evil eyes, "Carbs are the cheapest thing out there. So's junk food. You hear all the time about people getting down on welfare moms for buying chips and stuff, but do they know how expensive fruit is?" Relieved that she was making a point about how expensive food is instead of criticizing the fact that I was stuffing my face with one small sandwich, I joined in and shared my supporting points. When I worked at the youth shelter in England, one of my job duties was to teach the residents how to buy groceries and cook healthily on a budget. What a joke. There's a reason why our poorest citizens are also usually McDonald's best customers: You can get a whole meal there for 4 bucks, vs. what it would take to buy one healthy meal at the grocery store (I don't have cold hard numbers on what that would cost you, but I'm pretty confident that it would definitely cost more than 4 dollars for something standardly healthy). I also told them about an interview Charlize Theron did with Oprah right after she made Monster: She was talking about the 30 pounds of weight she had gained for the role, and mentioned that, although she wasn't fat per say, Aileen had a lot of chubby, loose weight because her diet mainly consisted of things like doughnuts and gas-station cheeseburgers..."...because that was the only type of food she could afford...whatever was cheapest or maybe free."

God, please don't let me get fatter because my budget is slimmer and I can't afford fresh produce. Please let it all balance out. I can't stuff my face because I can't afford it, so please let that counteract the fact that my main nutritional intake for the next month will come from bologna sandwiches and ramen noodles. Also, let me have awesome friends who want to take me out for a healthy, square meal every once in a while because they love me and care about my fruit and vegetable intake.

Love,

Your Best Friend Amber

I digress...the one thing about the budget is that it's starting to help define what I consider important. Food? Not so important. I mean, I like food. There's food that I would even say that I love (but not to their face, because I would die of embarrassment if they didn't say it back), but it's at the bottom of the things that I want to spend money on. Food's food. That was the one thing I remember most from the days when I worked in a treatment center for juvenile delinquents...all my boys were sitting around, bitching about the meal that was served for dinner, and one of my kids was like, "Yo, food's food. This stuff is free, man. Ain't nothing wrong with it, and they ain't gonna serve us steak in here, so just eat it and shut up." And he would use that point for a lot of things, which always struck me as incredibly mature for someone his age. The guys would be bitching about the clothes that were distributed to them every few weeks or so (funny how they never seemed to bitch about the bad decisions they had made that contributed to landing them in juvie, however...), and this kid would just look at them and be all "Clothes is clothes. Ain't no girls in here. Ain't nobody you gotta impress. Better than walkin' around nekkid." I've been thinking about that a lot lately...that kind of logic and perspective.

Plus there's that girl thing, which I kind of hate but must cite for its truth...why would I want to spend money on something that I have to put so much effort into getting rid of? Great. Let me spend fifty dollars on groceries so I can spend another thirty dollars on a gym membership to work it off my ass.

Beer, now...that's a different story. Plus they say that a bottle of beer is the caloric equivalent of a pork chop, so maybe I can just subsidize my diet that way. Brilliant!

Final Countdown For Day 3 of Livin' the Dream: + .91 cents - $0 because I made a Smart Choice and went home instead of to happy hour like I wanted. Grand Total: .91 cents bonus = I Rule At This Budget Thing

Working for the Weekend: The title of a cheesy pop song, yet deep and profound when applied to me.

Listening To: She Works Hard for the Money by Donna Summer

I love, love, love my job. However, it's the type of job that you do because of the knowledge that you're contributing to the greater good...not so much because you're contributing to the greater good of your bank account. Put simply, by income bracket standards, I'm poor.

'Tis frustrating. I don't really like to think about my paycheck because it makes me unhappy, and doing the comparison game makes me really unhappy...but since my wage is the only thing about my job that makes me unhappy, the term "put your money where your mouth is" will always be the term that I have to apply to this perspective. Throughout my life I've insisted upon the fact that I would prefer a job that I loved but made no money at over a job I didn't love but was paid handsomely for (and of course, I always maintained this position with a certain amount of noble, smug pride, because I was above all that money bullshit. I had ideals!). I know there are jobs out there that provide both...however, there are about as few of them in the social science field as there are sightings of Britney's undapants. I am unwilling to change my field for a larger paycheck because the increase in pay would most likely not balance out the loss of quality of life I would suffer. I have also worked really hard to score a M-F, 9-5 position in this particular field (an "adult" job, to quote my parents), and as of now, I am unwilling to take on a part-time job supplement my income. Again, it's about the gain vs. the sacrifice - I'm not willing to give up the free time that I could use to spend with friends or pursue other interests to score an extra forty dollars each week. If it comes to the point where there is no other option, then yes, I'll do whatever it is I need to do...but let's just say that the one of the reasons why I'm taking such drastic measures now is to ensure that I won't fall into that position.

Since I'm not yet willing to change my job to fit my lifestyle, I guess it's my lifestyle that'll have to change. As they say, it's not how much you make that matters, it's how you handle it. Being 28 years old and struggling to make your student loan payments isn't cute anymore (I don't know if it's ever really been cute, but I heard someone say that once and it seemed like a worthy nugget of cold, hard truth). It sucks that I didn't buck up earlier in my life so I wouldn't have to do this, but as they apparently said on the last season of American Idol (which I never watch but yet can never seem to avoid hearing about) This is My Now. Let's hope it sinks in so I'm not 35, still living in somebody's basement, and looking forward to spending my golden years as a bag lady.

Final Countdown for Day 2 of Livin' the Dream: - 1.09 + 10.00 = $8.91 (today's budget, less roll-over from yesterday). $8.91 - $7.50 (sushi w/ coworkers) = $1.41. $1.41 - $10.50 (beers during Trivia Tuesday) = - 9.09. Grand Total: - 9.09 in the hole = I'm Sucking At This Budget Thing.

Day 1 of Livin' The Dream: El Cheapo, which is Spanish for: The Cheapo.

Listening To: For the Love of Money by The O'Jays

So yesterday was the first day of my grand new goal of living on ten bucks a day. Usually when I wake up in the morning, the first thought on my mind is do I have enough time, between when I woke up and when I have to be at work, to grab some Starbucks. Seriously. I don't think about sex, I don't think about my goals for the day, I don't think about the weird dream I had last night. I think about Starbucks, and I will fully admit that some days it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.

Not this particular morning, though. This chick is on a revolutionary new budget!

So I bounded out of bed and tried to remind myself of the reasons why I'm doing this, tried to be optimistic about how much I'm going to learn from it, how interesting it will be, blah blah blah. Then, after thinking more about it, I got a little cocky: I'd been to college. I know what it is to live on Ramen noodles for a month. When I lived in England during my volunteership at a youth shelter, the dilemma of whether I should eat that day or buy bus fare was a daily one. My first "real" job barely even covered rent much less gas, groceries, and all the other expenses of setting up your first apartment. I didn't even have a phone or any real furniture (save for my ultra-classy futon mattress) until about a year after I moved in.

So I've done this before. Yet it's really depressing that I'm back in the same place. That I haven't actually progressed beyond scraping by. Things have gotten better for periods of time, but god...I would just really like to say goodbye to this cycle and know that I'll never ever have to here ever again.

But for now I am, so let's get on with it.

The challenge today is to figure out how to buy gas, groceries, and shampoo on only ten bucks. Tough order the first day out, but like I said before, I'm scrappy. I'm resourceful.

I'm also super lucky, because that morning I strolled into my work lunchroom and noticed a huge sheet cake left over from an open house we had last week. I don't know if you know this about me, but one of my most beloved fantasies is to be able to eat cake every single day. So instead of having to spend 65 cents on a candy bar from the vending machine for breakfast, I did a little happy dance and ate a piece of the free dessert.

All day long the mantra, "Make smart choices" reverberated in my head. Feeling thirsty after eating another piece of cake during my break (most likely from the copious amounts of thick, frothy frosting I had just inhaled), I reached for my coin purse out of instinct to grab some change for a Diet Coke. Then I stopped myself: I'd be running around with a client for the next hour and a half, so I wouldn't even really get to drink it, much less enjoy it. I think somebody once said that water's healthier than pop, too...and it's free. Check, check - smarter choice made.

Over my lunch break I decided that I might need a little bit more sustenance than just cake, so I headed out to the nearby gas station in search of cheap food. Again, everything is a choice: I chose not to go to the grocery store a few miles down the road because even though chances are the food is cheaper, the extra gas spent getting there would probably just balance it out. Would I rather eat fairly cheap cans of soup for a week rather than bologna sandwiches? Yes. However, I also have bologna and butter left over from last week's groceries, so it makes the most sense to just buy a loaf of bread for $1.29.

I took a shot at the shampoo. Back in plushier times, this girl might’ve splurged for fancy-type shampoo, like Pantene or maybe even Herbal Essences. Nuh-uh...not any more, bitches! Besides, don’t those commercials for Suave even say that you can’t tell the difference? However, priced at $2.39 via Holiday gas station, I decide to either wait for an opportunity to buy it elsewhere or buy it the next day, when I'll have more flex in my budget.

I still had my sweet, sweet vehicular machine to fill with gas: $8.70, which maybe got me three gallons of gas, putting me just above the half-tank mark. But...my daily spending comes out to one cent short of ten dollars, a fact of which I am unabashedly elated by as I cruise on out of the parking lot.

That evening I tagged along with a friend on some errands, which included a stop at Target. While I perused the aisles, I noticed that Suave was priced at only 97 cents ($1.07 with sales tax). Even though I had already spent my daily budget on food and gas, I decided to buy the shampoo since the price was better than at the gas station. I knew I'd have to subtract $1.07 from the next days' budget, but I also knew that at least I'd be doing that math in shiny clean hair...

And, as luck would also have it, my generous and ultra-wonderful roommate gifted me with two Lean Cuisines he had scored but didn't want. I love free food!

Final Countdown: Loaf of bread, $1.29/3 gallons of gas, $8.70/shampoo, $1.07 = $11.06, which brings me to -$1.06.

She's so money she doesn't even know.

Listening To: Got Your Money by Ol' Dirty Bastard

So by now you're probably thinking, "Amber, how did such an incredibly smart and attractive girl such as yourself fall into this position?" The answer is a mix of poor decision making and some plain bad luck. I'll take you through most of those stories in upcoming posts (I'm really looking forward to the one about my credit card history. Can't wait!), but since my ten dollar budget starts today, we'll begin with the most pertinent pit-fall when it comes to my financial life:

I'm a good-time girl. Also, I have very poor impulse control. If I decided, for fun, to take you through some of my old bank statements, we would discover that I spend most of my money on going out and other little "pick-me-ups".

The biggest temptation that I have always faced when it comes to my spending habits is going out with friends. It's so hard for me to say no: My friends really do hold the top priority in my life, so not hanging out with them at every opportunity feels like I'm missing out on valuable time that I won't ever get back. Plus there's that little thing about still being young and single and wanting to make the most of it before I'm an old hag...

The problem with going out all the time is that I always seem to spend way more than I had intended. And while my friendships are among the biggest priorities in my life, that is quickly becoming compromised because, as a result of my poor spending habits, more and more I'm having to deny myself time with them. When you don't even have the luxury of ordering your own priorities due to your poor decision making? That's when it's time for some self-ass-kickin'.

As for little "pick-me-ups", I love Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Victoria's Secret. Those places have gotten so much of my money that I could probably campaign for honorary share-holding seats. My poor impulse control goes something like this: "Maybe I shouldn't go to Starbucks today. I could spend that five bucks on something else, like gas, or paying down my student loans...but I feel like going to Starbucks today. Going to Starbucks makes me so happy...and isn't life really about being happy? Shouldn't I get to be happy?! Let's go to Starbucks!" I can pretty much rationalize every single purchase I ever make: "Books will make me a more intelligent person. You can't put a price on knowledge."..."Victoria's Secret is the one thing I do that's super girly. If I take that away from myself, I might as well just cut off my boobs and start using a strap-on, because there will be no femininity left to me."...I could go on and on. I've had a lifetime of practice when it comes to coming up with great excuses. My parents can vouch for this.

I don't want to eliminate these things completely out of my life: I want to be financially responsible, not totally lame. Also, I don't know if you caught onto this, but I'm pretty horrible at self-deprivation, and I know from past experience that a certain amount of it will completely sabotage all of my efforts. So I just have to find ways to replace that certain type of mindless spending with habits that are more responsible. For instance, I've decided that I'll hold off on the Starbucks fix unless I'm hanging out with my hetero-life-partner Katy: It's kind of our thing, I'll enjoy it more, and it will give me time to plan for it in my budget. I'm also putting a hold on the Victoria's Secret purchases until there's a reason for me to show off my purchases, if you know what I mean (it means that I'm not going to buy anymore until I start getting laid on a regular basis. Just in case you really didn't know what I meant). I suppose I could stop being lazy and actually go out and get a library card instead of racking up purchases at B&N, but I think I'll just read more blogs instead of books in my spare time and just hope that I don't get dumber for it.

Notice that I haven't said anything about a plan for rationing time out with friends and the money I spend doing that. I think I might need to think on that one a bit more yet.

Livin' the American Dream...on only ten bucks a day.

Listening To: The Moneymaker by Rilo Kiley

"Living on ten bucks a day shouldn't be impossible," I thought to myself, as I stared at my budget plan for the next two months. I had just spent the last three hours lying awake in bed, my mind flitting from one stress point to the next. All money stress points, of course. I had a huge medical bill that was soon due. Then my mind wandered to my car, which is in the process of dying a slow, excruciating death. Student loans are being called up, my savings are becoming almost non-existent, etc. etc. To put it succinctly, I’m one unforeseen emergency away from financial disaster.

“Something has to give,” I found myself thinking as I rolled over to the other side of the bed, trying in vain to ward off the worry. Then that little voice - it sounds kind of like Suze Orman - popped into my head. “Like what?! You’re gonna win the lottery? The credit bureaus will suddenly decide to cut you a break because you’re such a great gal?! This crap is never going to change unless you do something about it now...or else you’re going to be 35 and still living in someone else’s basement.”

And that, my friends, is how epiphanies are made.

So I threw the covers back, jumped out of bed, and revved up my laptop. Pulling up all of the financial documents that I usually pretend don't exist, I took a long, hard, practical assessment of my status. You know what G.I. Joe said about how knowing is half the battle? 'Tis true. I maybe would have preferred the discovery of a secret stash of ten G's in some bank account I had forgotten about over the cold truth that my financial status at present is just as bleak as I had suspected, but whatev...you can't come up with a solution unless you know the full scope of the problem.

I’m a psych girl, so I’m rather fond of experiments. I also don’t seem to learn anything unless I - to quote a friend - Keep It Extreme, so I’ve set myself on a budget of ten dollars a day for at least a month. Keepin’ It Extreme would usually dictate that I do it for six months, but that sounds more like crazy-talk than a viable plan. Most studies say that it takes around 21 days to form a habit. That's what this will be about: Reforming old bank-breaking habits into new ones that will lead to financial stability. Forcing myself to explore my relationship to money and what role that plays in terms of my priorities probably won't hurt, either. The psychologist in me is also curious as to whether living on ten greenbacks a day is even feasible. Half of the world lives on just $2 a day. Is it possible to provide for my basic needs on more than three times that? And if it isn't, what will that say about my definition of basic needs...and in the larger perspective, about the culture I live in?

We can talk more about our society's culture of consumption and psychology of materialism at a later date (for instance, when I'm feeling particularly deprived and am looking for something to bitch-slap out of blame). For now, let me take you through the ground rules I've set for myself:

1. The budget is for living expenses such as gas, food, toiletries, entertainment, etc. Bills like rent are not included.

2. It's a roll-over plan. For instance, if I do not spend ten dollars one day, the next day I will have twenty dollars to spend, and so on. However, if I go over my budget, I have to subtract from the next days’ balance to keep myself out of the hole and in the clear.

3. All expenses must be recorded and accounted for. For instance, cash and coin count. There will be no “Oh, I found five dollars in quarters on the sidewalk somewhere, so this venti Starbucks doesn’t count!!” (I have a very high awareness of how I operate when under duress or restrictions).

So why blog about it? It will keep me accountable. Also, it's no secret that my peer group in particular seems to have a significant problem with debt...we've even been coined "Generation Broke" by the media. It always makes me feel better to read about someone who's worse off than me, so maybe I can provide that feel-good vibe for someone else. Some might be interested in a little social and financial experiment such as trying to live on a meager amount every day. I'm not necessarily doing this to bring awareness to America's materialism or out-of-control consumption, however...I've heard of consumption movements and, while worthy, they just sound like a drag. The main motivation is to prove to myself that I can do it (I can do it!!), and to shape my relationship with money into one that is responsible, beneficial, and respectful to both myself and those I have financial relationships with.

Plus, blogs are great for bitching, and I'm sure that after about three days of not being able to afford my beloved white chocolate mochas from Starbucks, this girl is gonna wanna bitch.